Sensitivity is not without is drawbacks. Maybe I should actually say instead, sensitivity has some really great qualities to it.
Where we put our attention, grows. If you want to change something, you can't focus on that very thing you do not want, you focus on what it is you Do want.
I want to learn to manage my sensitivity so it doesn't keep hermitting me out of life.
I would label myself an Empath, yes. Its the shoe at the moment that my Ego can identify with. It gives me focus on how to manage some issues that have kept me from fully participating in life and friendships.
I have been given an opportunity to let a person, who is in a pretty unhappy situation, insult my ability to live my life. I let it roll off my back with a mild giggle, a tick of annoyance and a sadness for what she is having to go through in life.
This is a new level of compassion for me. In the past comments that insulted me in some way, even a very tiny way, had a way of turning into these huge monsters that ate entire jobs, friendships, homes and robbed me of my peace.
I am kind of an all or nothing girl. I am all happy or I am all pissed right the fuck off and of course that plays out in brooding in my home alone for days punishing the world with my lack of participation.
I cant live that way anymore. I am moving up the respect ladder with my friends, coworkers and the hierarchy of people that matter to me. I dont want to lose that respect through my lack of emotional intelligence. I must learn to manage my emotions and my actions resulting from my emotions.
Not an easy task for an overly emotional person who is highly sensitive to not only peoples feelings around me but the higher frequencies of what is really going on with them. That actually hurts me more and causes me to lash out at them to back off me.
People with a lower frequency or energy level tend to want the easy access to a higher energy through someone not even aware that they are being robbed of vital life force.
That is my new awareness around the gifts of being sensitive. Once you learn whats yours and whats not, then you can learn to actually just hold your own energy and choose not to give it to someone if you dont choose to. Before, for me it was a free for all for anyone in my auric field. Not anymore though, that takes me down to low every time and keeps me in my apartment not wanting to live life.
The opportunity I just had allowed me to see who was wanting to steal my energy and why and to come in to my sacred space and clear it right away to restore my own and to even put a block on further energy exchange at this point. That person is not someone i can lovingly give my energy to right now, she insulted me. Even though I have compassion for who she is and whats going on for her, I do not allow insults to my person. That is not okay no matter how much pain someone is in, I dont do that, so she doesn't need to either.
My gifts of sensitivity have allowed me to tap into time, to bend it and meld with it. My gifts have allowed me to see into a person and find the root cause of an issue. My gifts have allowed me to heighten my intuition to levels of being able to know but also see the results of that choice for years to come and anyone who asks. My gifts have tapped me into the collective conscious so that I have access to unlimited information in the right energy fields. My gifts have allowed me to feel energy and to notice very subtle shifts in it.
Being sensitive is an amazing quality in a person. I love the label of Empath. Learning to manage it and stay out of over thinking, over feeling, and letting myself drown in self pity is the responsibility of that gift. People that speak of losing their gifts are people that haven't risen to the challenge of keeping them and strengthening them. I am not that person nor would I want you to be.
So I have my chakra clearing working as we speak and I shall go practice some self care to bring my heart back into alignment and move forward as if the little transgression never happened, but know for next encounter she will be blocked from my energy.
The moon effects much of our emotions. Do you ever notice that at full moon time everyone seems to be just a bit on edge? Or some people feel full of their power at the full moon time. Rituals are often preformed at this time of the month as the full range of emotions can be felt because of the pull of that little globe in the sky.
So having just peaked at the Dark moon time I am conflicted with some feelings that are intense even for this Empath. Dark moon or new moon can be a time to plant an new seed. A time for beginnings. The over all feel of the New moon is that of fresh starts. Everyone feels good about that. However it is not this face of the moon that I feel today.
The Dark moon is more of a realization process of things that you need to let go of. Things that the full moon brought to light and now you must clear them. It is not the beginning the New moon invokes, its the ending that the death card in the Tarot promises.
I am in disgust with some life path choices that had almost taken me out of the game of growth. The paths that hook you in and keeps you held in a bubble of illusion. The fairy realm not honored. I never did make the choices I dreamt during my sleep. I never went to the pits of that hell. But I could have. And maybe would have if things were different.
The feelings that this letting go process the Dark moon has me gripped in are sickening to me. Truly fully disgusting to the person I am today, but the person in the dream was me and the choices I was way to close to making seven years back and then again cycled just four months back. I awoke thinking I woke INTO a nightmare. The feelings stayed all day.
This is why I write and am about to rant now.
Where in the white light, feel love all the time, world, of the new age healers, does darkness fit?
I have a million ways today to get out of these feelings. I can call a friend. I can go into meditation. I can pull a few yoga poses. I can run on a treadmill, go for a walk or have a calming glass of wine. I can do all these things to switch my mood over. But why??
I can understand if I was in this mood for days and was not sure why I was there, then I would need to pull the life line and call a friend. But I know why I felt disgusting and as much as I dislike the feeling.... I feel I need to stay present with these feelings.
As a healer I am beginning to realize I know how to instantly medicate myself.
I used to use drugs but now I pull out a healing card instead. Run Reiki, practice some chants and then a few hypnosis tricks and I am right as rain. Stuff gone lesson learned. I have been taught that we do not need to feel pain. And in truth we absolutely do not.
Is there a difference however between pain and suffering? I think we can all agree there is. Today I am not suffering. But feeling a deep pain of a choice I came so damn close to making that would have set me on a very very very very different path then I am on today.
The dark moon is giving me permission for a few days to really feel what that means to me. To my daughters. To my friends. I am here because of the deep disgust I feel over that terrible dream and the reality that I could have awoke to that truth.
Sometimes we need to not white light our feelings away and stay present with them. It is these moon phases that allow us to feel in the moment and not have to wait till Poor Aunt Sally kicks the bucket, to let out the dark emotions.
The Dark moon is for those that need to let go of something. The New moon is all the other months that you plant buckets of seeds and have fun at full moon to see what sprouts.
This full moon, I expect nothing but Peace in my planters pot.